Hamlet as Told on the Street

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Now Francisco and Bernardo, they was guardin’ the castle,Leanin’ on their spears, not lookin’ for no hassle, Havin’ themselves a brew or two, When out in the night they hear woo-wooo-wooo.And here comes this ghost, lookin’ ragged and rank, In a rusty suit of armor, goin’ clank, clank, clank. They say, "Hey, Mr. Ghost, are you our dear departed king?" But the ghost don’t say one motherfuckin’ thing. He goes, "Wooo-wooo-wooo." They say, "Hey, we better split, And go tell Hamlet about this shit."So they run find Hamlet, they say, "Hey, sweet Prince, Your daddy’s ghost been seen runnin’ hither and hince. He’s all full of maggots and he’s grizzly and grim, Somethin’s rotten in Denmark and -- whew -- we think it’s him." Hamlet say, "Oh, are you sure it’s my pop? Did he have matty gray hair with a bald spot on top? Did he have bright blue eyes that never know fearAnd a tattoo says GERTRUDE FOREVER right here?"They say, "Hey, the thing just flittered by our station, We didn’t give him no phyical examination. And we don’t know for sure if your daddy was the one, But we do know a motherfuckin’ ghost when we see one." Hamlet say, "Show me where you spied this spectral klunkSo I see if it’s my pop, or if you was both drunk." So they bring ol’ Hamlet to the spot, and thenThey wait five minutes and wooooo ---Here he comes again. He got gray skin, black teeth and hollow eyes, Beckonin’ like this -- young Hamlet cries, "Hold, spirit of darness, are you a ghostly apparition?" "No," says the ghost, "I look like this from malnutrition. Of course I’m a ghost, but sone, don’t be scared, And I’ll tell you some shit that’ll fry your hair."He says, "You got two relatives, I won’t say which, But one’s a bloody murderer and one’s a faithless bitch. Why, I was takin’ a nap in the garden right here, When my ambitious brother pours some poison in my ear. And before my body’s even cold he’s wearin’ my pajamas, Layin’ up in my bed with my crown on his head, Doin’ somethin’ sinful to your momma. And the terrible thoughts of what they’re doin’ up thereIs more than a poor old ghost can bear. So you gotta revenge me on this harlot and this knaveOr else I’ll never rest in my motherfuckin’ grave."Well, this information just flips Hamlet out. He starts walkin’ like this, with spit hangin’ out his mouth. His eyes are all bleary and his tongue looks worse, And he’s talkin’ in couplets and blank fuckin’ verse. I mean the dude is indecisive, He don’t know how he’d like his eggs, And he’s got no opinion on tits, ass or legs. He can’t decide which horse to play at the track, And when they ask him what suit you wanna wear today? He say, "Ah…um…gimme the black." He calls his uncle a murderer, Calls his momma a whore, And he can’t get it up for Ophelia no more. Oh, and Ophelia? She’s tryin’ her bestTo make him feel better, Wants to polish his crown jewels, But he won’t let her. "Stead of sayin’ yea, the fool says nay, And the whole court’s figurin’ he must be gay.Well, then in come Hamlet’s oldest friends, Rosenstern and Guildencrantz, They say, "Hey there, Ham, you gloomy Gus, Get up – get down – and party with us. We brought you some actores, Some tunes and some lyricsTo put on a play to boost up your spirits." Hamlet says, "Hey – songs and skits, That gives me an idea that could stir up some shit. We’ll put on a play –"N" that could be just the thingTo catch the conscience of the king, If there is a conscience in the motherfuckin’ king."So Hamlet calls all the actors, he say, "’Fore this drama starts, I’m gonna tell you suckers how to play your parts. You gotta speak the speech like I pronounced it –Don’t rush it, don’t milk it, don’t drag it, don’t bounce it. I mean, do it trippingly on the tongue, Or else I’ll see your thespian asses strung up and hung. And don’t saw the air with your hands flappin’ wild, "N’ don’t go mouthin’ my words in some method style."Then the lead actor says, "Hey – are we alive?Or just some talking meat that’s gotta listen to this jive?I have read this thing you call a scriptAnd it ain’t too bad, it’s got a few little dips. But with some new dialogue and a few minor edits –Hey, do you mind sharing writer credits? But this part about the king? -- poisoning his brother? I play this wile the real king’s watchin’? Sittin’ with your mother? You must be out of your cotton-pickin’ mind. He’ll cut out my tongue, he’ll gouge out my eyes, He’ll boil me in oil and send me to hell." Hamlet says, "How about double scale?" – The actor says, "Well…"I want my name above the title, three percent of the gross, I want that tall brunette as my dialogue coach. I want approval of director and a juicy per diem, And if there’s changes in the script, I got to see ‘em. I want a dresser, and undresser and a hairdresser, too, And I gott...